Finally

well finally I have returned. my computer was completely dead and my step father fixed it (I hope lol) so I have to do some blog updates but first I need to setup my computer the way I like it. hee hee

well..

well after trolling the internet last night looking for some answers, I did not find many but I did come to a realization. If I were to take some sorta degree and it turns out that I dont enjoy the job, it wouldnt be a waste of money as I have been thinking. I can use that education towards something else and save money and time in that something else.
I also realized that even though I dont know what I wanna do for sure, I do know what I have to do... I have to get my grade 12 upgraded to an accaptable level. I have graded but all the courses I have are under almost any college degree requirements. So I have to fix that and that will give me time to decide what it is I want to do. Makes sense to me. lol
Now I just need to do it.

here I sit

well I'm sitting here on my broken computer trying to figure some things out. I'm sick of just scraping by and yet, I am not sure what to do with my life. So I sit here yet again trying to figure it all out. My mom has gotten it into my head to look into becoming a vet. I think that it would be kewl as I do love animals and vets starting wage is about 40k a year which is around 800 a week (better then my 334 every 2 weeks)
But the same thoughts creep into my mind, what if I dont enjoy it and I wasted all that money on it. What if I hate it. If I do go through with it, where do I attend?
If I do go through with veterinary education, I would have to spend a year or 2 upgrading my grade 12 education, then 2-3 years doing the pre-vet education, and then another 3-4 years in Saskachewan doing the actual Vet Education.
I dont know anyone out there. I think I got some family on my dad's side but I've never met them and I know nothing bout them. Also 4 years in Saskachewan can lead to some friendships and possibly other relationships, I would then have the problem of wanting to stay there or come back to BC.
Theres things that I wanna do but so does everyone else, like computers or music. theres just to many people in those feilds, not that it cant be done. Then theres the trades, which realistically I should pursue but I dont want to. every trade I've tried I either dont enjoy or I get hurt really bad.
So yeah, I dont know what to do and I sit here yet again trying to figure it out. I envy those who know what they wanna do and they do it but I'm not them.
Anyway thats my 2 cents for tonight

GRR!!

well my computer has crashed again. I am unable to get an operating system installed but i am able to use Ubuntu without installing it. problem with that is I cant make any changes to my computer. but I thought I'd let people know that my computer is down again.

From a few days ago, Memories

This is actually from Monday or so. I have not posted it because I was busy and I didn't really know how to end it. any ways here it is, though I don't think it's quite finished yet. The picture is not mine, it is from Gin and is not allowed to be used without her expressed permission.

Memories


Memories of the past
are haunting and chilling
they can surface so fast
the feelings can be surprising

Common items of everyday
can suddenly become a trigger
to the thoughts of yesterday
and leave you feeling smaller or bigger

In these memories I have seen
that I have been many different things
some things good and some mean
some are a haunting and some a blessing

I've been the lost and abandoned
I've been the loved and the hated
I've been the uplifted and the saddened
I've been the hurried and the waited

I've been a son and a father
I've been alone and had a family
I've been a brother
even to those who are not brotherly

I've been honest and true
I've lied and cheated
I've been with the old and new
everyone I thought I needed

Before all this...
I was nothing
HDDL

thanx

Well I'm not really sure what to say... I woke up and checked my blog comments today and found some interesting things. Thank you to those who left me encouraging comments and thank you to Wayne for what he has done. He has written about me and my blog in his blog. You can find what I'm referring to here.

I don't know how to explain it but this meant much to me and has uplifted my spirits greatly for today.
Thank you

Also, as a side note, I have found that my mom has been forced to create and update a blog for her cats. Very amusing. it can be found here and I've added a link as well

Another quick side note, today is day one of a smoke free life... wish me luck. I'll post later with an update as to how the smokeless day went

memories and heartache...

Since working at superstore many memories have come back and i find it hard to believe that she's still hurting me so much after all this time. when I met her I did some bad things to others, which i'm still sorry for. but I thought she was the one and maybe thats why shes still hurting me. I should have known better (I did), I should have listened to others but it felt so right, i didn't want to listen to others about her.

She is a memory now, and a heartache, a memory that is fading (slowly but fading.) Time goes by and she dissapears more and more. but I find it odd to be back where it began at a superstore.

Anyways, to those i hurt, I'm am still very sorry. and to those I ignored, I'm sorry as well but i'll keep ignoring you. :) lol joking. and to those who are now worried about my mentality dont be i'm fine, it was just a thought

"Sometimes people want to change the past or to undo it and live a different life entirely but the past is what makes us who we are and I wouldn't change a thing"

.....

Good morning people.. just sitting here with coffe having a look at what everyone is doing lately. i haven't been doing much. work is going good. I'm getting over 20 hours a week and my arm is holding out... sorta. I'm glad the pain has gone away for the most part but theres still days that get bad. ussually after doing 2 8 hours shifts in a row. oh well. my computer hasnt crashed since the last format i did but it still isnt working properly. i thought it was my video card but i found one to switch with and that doesnt seem to be the problem. I'm going to start trying different memory chips see if that helps. but other then that i have not been doing much. been watching tv thru google video but thats about it really. anyway, later

0.0

i hate these nights...insomnia stinks. im tired and I have to wake up early tomorrow for work but I just cant sleep. I have been laying in bed for hours now. Anyways, haven't really been doing much lately, working, and watching online movies at google video and fighting with my computer. darn thing is coma-toast for all i care or know. anyways, I'm going to try to get some sleep otherwise I'm going to be dogging it tomorrow.

Quotes

I like quotes and i like to collect them as well. i just wish I could find a good way to do so. oh well.. here works

"I've been dancing with the devil for way too long and its making me grow old" - creed

"At times life is wicked and I just cant see the light" - Creed

"The Wheel of Time turns, and ages come and pass leaving memories that become legend, then fade to myth, and are long forgotten when that age comes again." - Robert Jordan, "The Wheel of Time"

"Not all who wander are lost" - J.R.R. Tolkien

" Nothing makes us so lonely as our secrets." - Anonymous

"I am powerful, I am immortal, I can do anything, I am cursed, I am the Darkness" - Jackie Estacado.

"First defense against evil - Open your damn eyes." - Reese, Forever Knights

"The darkness that surrounds us cannot hurt us. It is the darkness in your own heart you should fear." - Silvetris

"Guys, I'm drinking Jolt. In about 3 minutes, my reaction time is going to exceed twice that of normal men. Steal another fry, I break your fingers." - Unknown

"He who fights with monsters should look to it that he himself does not become a monster...when you gaze too long into the abyss, the abyss also gazes back." - Friedrich Nietzsche

"Flying is simple. You just throw yourself at the ground and miss." - Douglas Adams

"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most." - Unknown

"Nothing really dies as long as it's not forgotten." - Julian

"It is just Me, or are Myself and I crazy too?" - unknown

today...

well today wasnt really a great day.. have been pretty down all day, even at work. worked hard but couldnt bring the happy levels up. usually i can fake through work but not today. oh well, guess we all have our off days. been getting my computer all setup properly again because it crashed and i lost EVERYTHING... :(

I wrote something today. i don't think it's that good but its at least a testament to how i was feeling today.

My Shattered World

My world is shattered
I don't know what to do
my will is tattered
and my heart is blue.
I never thought
it would be like this
I never thought
I'd live in this abyss
that has consumed me
and left me hopeless
I wish I could be free
of my lifes darkness
I've seen a lot
some good, more bad
my one thought
always try to be glad
but happiness
is fleeting
and the darkness
is always consuming
and now it gets worst
with every passing day
i feel cursed
the hounds of hell bay
and i keep running
trying to find the light
in which i could be sunning
but instead i fight
there must be hope somewhere....
HDDL

soooo.....

ive setup a flickr account (mcheltman85@yahoo.com)... ive setup snap in my blog which i think is nice. been setting up my computer the way i like it... to bad it's likely to crash again at any given point. :( oh well. gotta save up for new one XD. and now im getting ready for work.should take camera with me

im here

im alive. work is going ok... phone is broken... got a working loaner phone though... computer is broken.... arm is getting better but still not perfect.... stomache is grumbling but all in all im alright